I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
