Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I love having hate sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
