I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
