He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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