I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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