I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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