whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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