Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm like, not good at living.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
