people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
