I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
