Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
