that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
