apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
