If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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