she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
