woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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