Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
