had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
