After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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