you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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