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Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
