How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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