I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
