captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
