I wish I could punch you in the face.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
