This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
