Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
