so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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