So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
