I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
