someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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