Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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