Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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