I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
