We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We left an ass print on the piano.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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