Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
