she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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