I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
