I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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