A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
