One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
