My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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