I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
