he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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