i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
how drunk are you?
Several
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
