hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
