I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
