9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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