I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
