I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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