I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
