Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
